The Corona Pandemic, though... it might be cracking my illusion I had of my rational persona.
In our house, we are taking all the precautions. We are sheltering at home. We aren't having play dates. We are using terms like "exponential growth" and "viral load" and, with the exception of Baby K who will never be dissuaded from thumb sucking, nobody is touching their faces. We are storing packages before opening and washing our hands and taking shoes off before we come inside and doing all the safety things. ALL THE THINGS.*
*Except Cloroxing our fresh fruit cause y'all... that is insane.
So when the murmurs about everyone needing masks started, I jumped on my research. Countless internet searches ending in empty shopping carts made it apparent pretty quickly this was one time Amazon wasn't going to help me. Prime or not, Jeff Bezos is not stocking my family with safety gear.
I thought about making my own and then realized, based on my limited sewing ability, the best I could offer was to monogram an already made one. While I still don't consider this a bad idea (Easy to know whose mask is whose! Monogramming presents a sense of normalcy in the Deep South!), it isn't also an idea I (or probably most of the world's medical community) would call "helpful."
In steps an angel friend who is sewing masks around the clock to donate to the hospitals and make sure her friends and family are covered. She sends cute prints. She asks about how the kids would like them tied. She pours her heart into it and - bam! Buchanans are fully masked!
I picked them on Sunday and breathed a sigh of relief. I am responsible. I am an adult. I am CDC Compliant with Disney patterns.
I came home, threw them in our decontamination zone (aka the kitchen table in our garage I really am going to chalk paint one day, I swear, I just have a lot going on right now, okay), and thought "I will deal with this a week from now when it is time to leave the house again."
And then y'all... it went downhill so quickly. The toilets went haywire thanks to an errant tree root. We had to call in emergency plumbers. At the same time, our precious friends who made the masks were being tested for Corona with a high probability of being positive. The masks still laid in the decontamination zone, waiting to be washed on the sanitary setting in a house that was incapable of running water. So there we were - plumbers minutes out, no "safe" masks in site, and my brain screaming "DO WHAT THE CDC TELLS YOU TO DO! MASK EVERYONE!"
That is when I learned that I am perhaps not as cool under pressure as I thought. Because did I google "How long does Corona live on fabric?" so I would know if the masks were safe. Nope. Did I research "No Sew Masks" and MacGyver one quickly for RB to wear when he interacted with the crew? Negative. Did I suggest "Why don't we just text the plumbers from the basement and really increase both our safety and their's?" Not even close.
Instead, I relied on a meme I saw repeatedly on Facebook that said the microwave would sanitize any cloth face masks. It is quick! It is reliable! It probably means you don't have a lot of education in any sort of science based curriculum!
I stuck ALL seven (sorry, Albert and Laura) of those beautiful, handcrafted masks in the microwave, hit "3 minutes" because sure, why not - the meme didn't specify a specific time - and slammed the door in triumph.
During the first chorus of "Happy Birthday" as I washed my hands, I thought smugly to myself "See, we got this. Take that plumbing crisis during a pandemic! We are on top of things."
During the second chorus of "Happy Birthday," I began to smell the smoke. And see the smoke. And hear my children asking why was there smoke.
And that, my friends, is the story of how RB once greeted a team of plumbers during a pandemic wearing a scrap of old fabric attached to his face with a hair tie, telling him in the same breath, "Thanks for coming. I am not sick. No, the fire isn't active anymore. My wife made me wear this. Yeah... your masks look a lot more appropriate for the situation."
Stay safe friends - and don't believe everything you read on Facebook. XOXO
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