Sunday, May 21, 2017

A summer rainstorm

As I drove home down 400 yesterday, a summer storm that feels so uniquely southern rolled in. The skies were bright blue behind me, black in front. A sheet of rain fell perfectly, the drops so big and fat you could see and hear them for ages. It was the kind of storm that you can feel coming all day - you can see it in the leaves of the trees as they flip with the pressure and notice through the sporadic gusts of wind giving a break to the stale humidity of the day.

As I sped up the interstate, closer and closer to the rain, I thought of growing up on the coast of Virginia. These sudden pops up were always part invigorating and part terrifying. We would watch the creeks rise and the ditches fill and wonder if the bridge in and out of town was already too covered to be passable. We would sit on docks as the rain drove down, enjoying the break in the heat and mosquitoes, knowing that it would only be a matter of minutes after the last drop landed before both were back, stronger than before.

I thought of the last summer in the house I grew up in, where the storm was sudden and stronger than we thought, and the power knocked out for hours. The littles among us loved it and chased one another with flashlights and muddy feet. My momma and sister and I sat at a table, playing cards for the first time in years. Howling with laughter, we watched and critiqued as Daddy wandered around trying to fix things in the dark, his shoes squeaking across the kitchen tile. The rain fell and fell and fell, providing a constant soundtrack to an otherwise silent neighborhood.

I felt almost as if I was back on vacation in Florida, aunts and uncles and cousins and spouses piled into the same house, busting at the seams with beach towels and puzzles and margarita mix. At least once every trip, the storm would come suddenly - usually finding it is landing spot right before supper. We would all be sun kissed and freshly showered, the day's beach adventure washed away. The rain would drive us all to the kitchen table, as many chairs as pulled up as possible, with the youngest of us perching on counter tops and sofa backs. There would be no late night beach walks or trips to the boardwalk in the golf cart. No, the rain would keep us inside. All three generations, hunkered down with one another, the rain urging us to relish our time together.

I drove through the wall of water, the sky changing instantly, my wipers working overtime. I took the exit and as the car slowed from the frantic pace of 400, rolled down the windows just slightly to smell the rain and feel the drops on my arm. I drove over the dam, watching Lanier churn and bounce with each bead of water that hit. I pulled into our neighborhood, thankful for the safe trip and the cleansing rain. The calm and quiet it seemed to force us all to embrace. The new life it would eventually provide.

And as I pulled into our driveway, I spotted two little girls rocking on the front porch with their daddy, kicking their feet into the rain, squealing as it hit their uncovered toes. I scooped them up and, laughing, pulled them into the yard. We splashed in mud puddles and drank water that rolled off leaves and guessed how full the koi pond would get before the rain finally ceased. We danced through the storm and, when finally the thunder and lightening decided to join us, we ran inside for fresh clean pajamas and night time snuggles. As we kissed each little head goodnight, the rain continuing on and on outside their windows, I wondered if decades from now they would feel the same way about the storm. Would they remember fondly the feel of the front moving in? Would the smell of the rain in the air mixed with the blooming magnolias transport them to easy, happy childhood days? Would the first roll of thunder make them feel comforted and secure, knowing they had weathered storms like this plenty of times? So when I laid my own head down, the rain still driving the thunder now angry as it boomed more and more frequently, I thanked God for all the storms in my life. For the break they bring and how they force us to refocus on the important things. How everything seems fresh and renewed when they have passed. For the reminder that we are not in control, and in the end that is so freeing. And I fell asleep happy and comforted, the pounding rain a welcome lullaby.

Saturday, May 13, 2017

Mother's Day Number Four

My fourth Mother's Day as a motherless daughter. Though the shock of it is gone now, the aching still persists. The desire to share life with the person who so greatly defined and shaped mine. The comfort and safety of her arms even though - or maybe because - I am the one now providing comfort to the next generation. It all still presses on me, begging to be fulfilled.

No, it is not shocking to me anymore that she is gone. I have accepted that. This is who I am now. But that aching - that aching sometimes feel like it defines my every breath.

A dear friend sent me this column about losing a mom young. In it, the author quotes Anna Quindlen, who lost her own mom at 19 -
"My mother died when I was nineteen. For a long time it was all you needed to know about me. A kind of vest-pocket description of my emotional complexion: 'Meet you in the lobby in ten minutes — I have long brown hair, am on the short side, have on a red coat, and my mother died when I was nineteen.'"

Losing my momma at 29 feels like this middle ground of loss. I had almost three decades with her. She saw the biggest milestones - the graduations, the wedding, my own induction into motherhood. Those memories that I cherish, those photographs I weep over on long sleepless nights, those are mine forever. Sorority sisters, kids I grew up with, friends I have made as an adult who still carry the weight of an early loss - too many have joined this sad club long before me, robbed of those experiences. I remember so clearly  holding my best friend's hand as she whispered goodbye to her own momma in a crowded funeral home at only ten. Ten. An unimaginable pain so brutally early.

And while I can recognize that I am lucky for what I had - that I had far more than others will ever get - and while I am genuinely thankful for the time and memories, the aching persists. When I see my momma's friends celebrating their own moms - great women in their 80s and 90s, my heart aches. When friends' birthday parties are full of doting grandmoms whose grandbabies will remember them - actively and vividly remember them - the aching persists. When B asks me if I am sad because my momma can't hug me... oh, how the aching persists. 

Sadly, it seems every year more and more join our club at a faster rate. In this past year alone, my cousins, my mother in law, friends from high school and college, and neighbors all said goodbye to their own matriarchs. They joined the club with bowed heads and hushed voices, turning to each other for solace and comfort in a truly unique grief. Your parents are your foundation - a constant for you from the day you are born. And losing your momma ... that is just a violent, sudden destruction of what built you. 

So you rebuild. And you find your footing again. And you surround yourself with those who fully understand, a sad little menagerie of others grieving just as deeply as you. And you build a new life that can be unbelievably happy and joyful and in so many ways simply perfect, though the aching still finds you.  

Most often when people are in the early days of loss, when they have just kissed their momma for the last time or they have come home from the funeral and the once bustling house is now oppressively silent, they will ask me "How do I get over this?" 

The hard truth is... you don't. You never really get over it. You cope with it and you continue to live. You learn how to breath again without it hurting. Your smile returns and days become more joyous than not. But you never get over it. The loss - the aching - the fundamental restructuring of your life and who you are - that never leaves. Just as, in many ways, your momma's love and lessons and strength - so deeply embedded in every ounce of you - never leaves you. 

Happy Mother's Day to all my dear friends and loved one with aching hearts this year. May the strength of your memories be stronger than the pull of your loss.