Tuesday, December 31, 2019

I fall asleep counting my blessings



It has been widely acknowledged and repeated to us that 2019 was The Worst Year Ever™. Our friends remind us 2020 is right around the corner and a new year brings new hope and opportunity. We smile. We agree. 2019 was a cacophony of anguish, grief, and blow after blow.

I don’t mind saying goodbye to 2019. I relish it. Not that 2020 will bring in a clean slate or an unburdened heart but just, if only, for the symbolic nature of the rejuvenation and renewal a new year brings.

But I don’t want to forget 2019 entirely. I don’t want to banish it from my memory or the annals of time. Because there was so much good about 2019 I want to carry forward with me. So many moments of joy and love woven in between the moments of despair.

2019 was the year my precious Bonnie crawled into my lap to whisper that she believes the Bible, the promises of Jesus, and wanted to be baptized. It was the year we saw her stand up and testify to our entire church that she wanted to know Jesus, live for Jesus, and love like Jesus for the rest of her days. It was the year I saw her rise from the baptism waters, her eyes big, smile bigger, and knew with complete joy that she was transformed forever.

2019 was never-ending Frozen 2 dance parties with Baby K – long before the movie came out. It was excitement over ever new word Buddy uttered – even though 90% of them were food related. It was long days at the neighborhood pool and short nights ending with babies crawling into our bed, wrapping their little legs around ours.


2019 was finding the right school for Bon and watching her blossom academically and socially. It was seeing her conquer fears in the pool and catching glimpses of who she will be as a young woman. It was seeing Katherine become more compassionate as she mother hen’d both big sister and little brother. It was watching Will test every limit he could, knowing he was confident in the security and comfort of his home - his mischievous smile always looking back at us to check where we were. 

2019 was finding an amazing trainer and losing 40 lbs in between pregnancies. It was being reminded of my own strength – emotionally and physically – and going into 2020 knowing I can do it again.

2019 was my first trip to see the Braves with RB since having Bonnie. It was great seats and amazing catches and hot dogs and over priced beers. And, more importantly, it was feeling like we were finding each other again. It was a lot less discord and a lot more dating. It was comfort and excitement wrapped up in a decade of marriage and life experiences.

2019 – as silly as it sounds – was the year of UVA’s National Championship in basketball and finally taking back the Commonwealth Cup. Because there are few things as joyous and pure as almost everyone from your formative years joined together in excitement, anticipation, and celebration. And, of course, no greater song than “The Good Old Song” sung in Charlottesville as UVA takes not only the game but the Coastal Division from the Hokies.
 
2019 was the extravagant joy of trips to Disney and the theatre and the excitement both bring forth. It was the simple, beautiful joy of books under covers on a freezing morning, dogs' wagging tails greeting you after just venturing to the mailbox, never ending text message chains from friends that cause long, true belly laughs in the middle of the witching hour chaos. It was hot wheels and glitter explosions and little hands clutching beloved dolls on the right and my hand on the left.

2019 was when our friends, family, and church showed us who they were in the most compassionate, kind, and generous ways.  And when the bottom feel out again, they showed up even more with even bigger love.

2019 was the year of small miracles and great grace and being reassured over and over that our God is a mighty, present, never wavering God.

And 2019 was the year that, for a short little time, we were able to physically love on this Earth two precious souls who never made it home with us. 2019 was the year they entered our family and changed our hearts forever and for the better.

So, yes, I am happy to see 2019 go. I am happy to put a symbolic barrier between our current day to day and The Worst Year Ever™. But I go into 2020 with all the beauty that shone through the darkness of 2019 at the forefront of my mind. And tonight, I will fall asleep sleep counting my blessings.


 

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